You know it has been 14 years since all of this with my disability started, it might have even started in high school with my back pain. I always thought that it was from me moving computers around and helping out teachers. But the worst of it started in The winter of 2000 and then 5 years later I am off welfare and on Disability not a big upgrade but one that is helping pay the bills.
But now I sit here and I wonder I am sick with the Flu going through a change of medications from my specialist and yet I am still in pain eating up the tylenols and trying not to cry. I have not slept well in days and have been in ” massive” pain and have been in a out of bed tired from the pain alone. I just wish it would end. I know my specialists goal is to get me healthy and off my pills but I just don’t see the end al I see is a dead end.
I am on so many medications that I finally had the pharmacy put them into bilster packs just help me keep track of. I always feel tired from the pain. I always want to cry but am numb and I never/hardly sleep and when I do sleep it is because my body has given out or I cannot take the pain.
I am a smart man, can do a lot in the community with technology and yet cannot even keep up with a 1 day a week job. I try to volunteer 3 days a week but my body does not always let me. I have the mind of a strainer always forgetting or loosing something. Hell I am on my 14 or 15 bank card.. lost the keys to my volunteer position, thank the Lord that they were at my sisters and am working on YouTube stuff trying to get off ODSP/Disability
I am just tired of fighting, I am tired of my medications, and I am tired of the chronic pain. I really wish that this would end. I really wish that something would go right for me.. This may sound like a cry for help and it just might be but as for me I am just venting because I sit here writing this on my mac in bed.
I feel like my disability money is a gift so I try to give back, to my family, community and just “pay it forward” and I just don’t get it why I work in pain, why I live in this condition, what did I do to deserve this? What did I do that was so bad that God had to punish me. Why I do so much for others in my short 34 year life that I don’t win.
All my life I “payed it forward” and then in the end got screwed. This may sound like a pitty party but I am entitled once and a while. I don’t know how my mother does it she is a solid rock and I am the sand. My mother with all her conditions is working 5 days a week and taking care of her family, making meals, comforting when we need a shoulder and being there for my Dad. I would not be here at this point if it was not for them, even my sister helps me out a lot we are a close family. But then why is it I feel this way it feels good to get this out but still leaves a lot of questions. I know that some day this will all work it self out but as per my drs I will have to live with this for the rest of my life.
Will It Ever End? I Don’t Know? What is Next in The Chapter of MJSiebolt? Only God Knows
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